Why crying helps the body release grief and why holding it in makes it harder

For many widows, crying feels dangerous.

Not emotionally — physically.

There’s a fear that once tears start, something will break open that can’t be contained. That the body will spiral. That the wave will grow instead of pass.

So many widows learn to do this instead:

• swallow hard

• tighten the jaw

• distract

• hold their breath

• wait it out

It looks like strength.

But inside the body, something else is happening.

Crying is not a loss of control — it’s a nervous system response

Emotional crying is not the same as panic or emotional collapse.

It’s a biological response that involves multiple systems working together:

• emotion processing

• breath

• facial muscles

• tear glands

• autonomic nervous system regulation

When grief rises, the sympathetic nervous system activates — heart rate increases, muscles tighten, breath shortens.

Crying often appears near the peak of that activation.

Not as a failure — but as a signal that the body has reached its limit and is beginning to release.

What research shows about crying and time

Studies on emotional crying consistently show:

• most crying episodes last 5–20 minutes

• intense crying rarely sustains beyond 30 minutes unless re-triggered

• after crying, many people report:

  • calmer breathing

  • reduced tension

  • emotional softening

  • a sense of release

This doesn’t mean people feel “better.”

It means the stress response has begun to complete its cycle.

The grief remains.
The intensity shifts.

Why holding back tears often prolongs distress

Suppressing tears doesn’t stop the wave.

It interrupts the body’s attempt to regulate.

When tears are held back:

• muscle tension stays high

• breath remains shallow

• stress hormones linger longer

• emotional pressure builds internally

This is why widows often say:
“I didn’t cry — but I felt worse afterward.”

The wave had nowhere to go.

Crying isn’t what overwhelms the body.
Unreleased activation does.

The moment tears come is often the turning point

Many widows notice a pattern they’ve never been told to trust:

• intensity builds

• pressure peaks

• tears come

• breath loosens

• fog begins to thin

Crying doesn’t end grief.

But it often marks the crest of the wave — the point where the nervous system begins to downshift.

The storm hasn’t passed.
But the worst of the wind has moved through.

When crying feels frightening or out of control

Some widows experience crying that feels panicky, breathless, or destabilizing.

This usually happens when:

• grief is layered with trauma

• the body is already exhausted

• the nervous system has been in high alert for too long

• tears are mixed with fear of the tears

In these moments, crying isn’t the problem.

The fear around the crying is.

Supporting the body — rather than stopping the tears — is what helps.

Gentle ways to support crying without forcing it

This is not about “letting it all out.”

It’s about staying with the body while it releases.

You might try:

• placing a hand on your chest or stomach

• allowing your breath to lengthen naturally after a sob

• sitting or lying down so the body doesn’t have to hold itself up

• letting your face soften instead of clenching

Nothing dramatic.
Nothing performative.

Just support.

What crying is actually saying

Crying is not saying:
“I can’t handle this.”

It’s saying:

• This matters.

• This hurts.

• I need release.

Tears are not regression.
They are communication.

They are the body speaking when words are insufficient.

A sentence to hold when tears come

Crying often marks the peak of a grief wave, and allowing it can help the nervous system begin to settle rather than prolong distress.

You are not unraveling when you cry.
You are releasing what your body can no longer carry silently.

Coming next

In the next post, we’ll talk about grief fog, sudden calm, and emotional whiplash — and why going from “I’m okay” to “this is unbearable” and back again is not instability, but protection.

Because once widows understand that, they stop judging themselves for surviving.

Want to learn more and find some practical helps? You can purchase The Impact of Grief Ebook

This article explains why crying during grief can help the nervous system release stress rather than make grief worse. It explores emotional crying, stress hormones, and parasympathetic regulation in widowhood, showing how tears often mark the peak of a grief wave and help the body settle. This science-informed grief education helps widows understand their tears, reduce fear around crying, and trust their body’s natural responses to loss.

How long grief waves last and why they feel endless when you're in them

One of the most fear-inducing parts of grief isn’t the pain itself.

It’s the fear that it won’t stop.

A wave hits and your body tightens. Your breath shortens. Your chest aches. Tears come fast or not at all. Thinking narrows until everything feels urgent and unbearable.

And somewhere inside, a quiet panic forms:

What if this never settles?

That fear makes grief harder than it needs to be.

So let’s talk honestly — and accurately — about what’s happening inside the body when a grief wave hits.

Acute grief waves have a biological time course

When grief surges, the body enters an acute stress response.

This involves:

• activation of the sympathetic nervous system

• release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol

• narrowing of attention and heightened emotional intensity

This state feels all-consuming — but it is not infinite.

Across stress-response and affective neuroscience research, there is a consistent finding:

The body cannot maintain peak physiological arousal indefinitely.

In most people:

• acute emotional surges peak and begin to resolve within about 10–30 minutes

• even very intense waves usually soften within 20–45 minutes

• longer episodes often involve re-triggering, not a single uninterrupted wave

This doesn’t mean the sadness disappears.
It means the intensity begins to shift.

The wave moves.

Why grief feels endless while it’s happening

If grief waves are time-limited, why do they feel infinite?

Because during high emotional arousal, the brain’s sense of time changes.

When the stress response is active:

• the prefrontal cortex (reasoning, time awareness) goes partially offline

• the brain shifts into threat-based processing

• the present moment expands and stretches

This is why:

• five minutes can feel like an hour

• you lose track of time while crying

• you feel trapped inside the moment

This isn’t imagination or exaggeration.
It’s how the brain works under stress.

So when a widow says, “It felt like it would never end,” she’s telling the truth — about the experience, not the biology.

Crying often marks the crest of the wave

Many people worry that crying is what keeps a grief wave going.

In reality, emotional crying often happens near the peak of the stress response.

Studies on crying show that:

• most crying episodes last 5–20 minutes

• crying can activate parasympathetic (calming) pathways

• after crying, many people report some degree of relief or settling

Crying doesn’t end grief.
But it often helps the body complete a stress cycle.

Tears are not the wave getting worse.
They are often the wave turning.

Why waves repeat throughout the day

Grief rarely comes as one long, steady experience.

Instead, it moves in cycles.

This is explained by what grief researchers call dual-process coping — the natural oscillation between:

• loss-oriented states (pain, yearning, tears)

• restorative states (neutral focus, functioning, brief calm)

Your brain cannot stay fully immersed in loss all day.

So it moves you in and out.

In early widowhood, this can happen:

• multiple times an hour

• dozens of times a day

This isn’t emotional instability.
It’s neurobiological protection.

The body is dosing the pain.

When waves last longer — what that usually means

Sometimes grief waves feel longer, heavier, or harder to come out of.

This usually isn’t because the grief itself is “stronger.”

Common reasons include:

• exhaustion or sleep deprivation

• hunger or dehydration

• cumulative stress

• repeated memory activation or rumination

• lack of any settling input (rest, support, grounding)

In these cases, waves may:

• stack back-to-back

• feel like one long surge

• take longer to soften

This is nervous system overload, not failure.

And it’s addressable.

Gentle practices that can help a wave move through

Nothing here is about stopping grief.
These practices simply help the body do what it already knows how to do: settle after a surge.

You don’t need to do all of these.
Even one is enough.

• Name the wave
  Quietly saying, “This is a wave,” can reduce panic and help the body stay with the experience.

• Support the breath without forcing it
  Let your breath lengthen naturally. Even placing a hand on your chest can signal safety.

• Reduce stimulation
  Lower lights. Sit or lie down. Fewer inputs help the nervous system exit high alert.

• Allow the tears
  If they come, let them come. Resisting often prolongs distress.

• Orient gently when the fog lifts
  Notice where you are. What you can see. What feels solid. This helps the brain re-anchor.

These are not fixes.
They are permissions.

A sentence to return to mid-wave

Most grief waves rise and begin to settle within minutes, even when the pain feels endless — because the nervous system is designed to crest and fall, not stay in peak distress.

You are not failing because it hurts this much.
You are surviving something that hurts this much.

Coming next

In the next post, we’ll look closely at why crying helps instead of harms, what’s happening in the nervous system during tears, and how to stop fearing the moment emotion breaks through.

Because understanding that changes everything for widows who’ve learned to hold it all in.

why widows need body-based support | grief impact + natural options

Why widowhood feels so physically hard, and how somatic support can help you carry it

When your husband dies, it isn’t only your heart that breaks.

It’s your whole life that seems to crack open.

Your co-parent.
Your partner in decisions.
Your shared income.
Your witness.
Your future.
Your person who helped you breathe through hard days.

And somehow — impossibly — life keeps moving forward.
Decisions still need to be made.
Questions still get asked.
Systems don’t pause.
And your body is required to keep showing up, even when everything inside has been shattered.

If you’ve ever wondered why widowhood feels so physical — why your body reacts like you’re living in an emergency — there is a reason.

Not a “something is wrong” reason.
A nervous-system that is protecting you reason.

Because grief doesn’t live only in the heart.

It lives in the body that had to survive the loss.

Widowhood Is Grief Under Load

Widowhood isn’t just missing someone.

It’s missing him while still having to:

• make every decision alone

• keep the house running

• carry the parenting weight

• manage money stress

• show up to work

• answer questions you don’t even have words for

• keep going when you don’t feel like you can

So the grief doesn’t “settle.”

It stacks.

And the body responds the way bodies respond when the load is too much for too long.

What Grief Can Feel Like in the Nervous System

During my husband’s cancer journey — including a failed bone marrow transplant — my body learned to brace itself

I lived depleted.

And after he died in 2019, that bracing didn’t dissipate.
The stress didn’t end.
It shifted into a new kind of constant that felt even more heavy laden.

I’ve known:

• uncontrollable hyperventilating

• panic that rises out of nowhere

• night sweats

• sleep that won’t come — or won’t stay

• a nervous system that never fully powers down

If you’ve lived anything like this, I want you to hear this clearly:

This isn’t you being dramatic.
This isn’t you being “too sensitive.”
This isn’t a lack of faith.

This is your body carrying what love and loss demanded.

Bereavement research shows that grief can affect multiple systems at once — stress regulation, immune and inflammatory pathways, sleep cycles, cognition, and autonomic nervous system rhythms (fight/flight and rest/digest).
In other words: grief shows up in the body because you’re human, not because you’re broken.

Why Words Don’t Help — and “Just Relax” Feels Cruel

Some advice sounds harmless until you’re the one living it.

“Try to relax.”
“You just need to sleep.”
“Choose joy.”

But widowhood is a major life rupture.

And your nervous system isn’t malfunctioning — it’s doing exactly what it was designed to do when safety is disrupted and responsibility is relentless.

What widows need isn’t pressure to feel better, or to perform.

It’s support to feel grounded so we can keep moving on one step at a time.

how your sense of smell can help When Grief Is in the Body

This is where gentle sensory support — especially scent — becomes something more than “nice.”

A 2025 review published in Plants and available through PubMed Central describes aromatherapy and essential oils as complementary approaches that may support wellbeing related to stress, sleep, mood, and fatigue.

Here’s the part that matters for widows:

Inhaled aromatic compounds interact with the olfactory system, which is directly connected to brain regions involved in emotion, memory, and stress regulation — the same regions grief impacts most deeply.

This is why scent can feel immediate.
Why it bypasses logic.
Why it lands in the body before words do.

This isn’t about erasing grief.

It’s about giving your body a cue of steadiness inside the grief.

A few minutes of an encouraging or grounding scent paired with breath can become a sensory anchor — something your body recognizes as:

Right now, I can breathe.

Not because life feels normal again, or you have temporarily forgotten your pain.
But because you are being supported inside of your new reality.

Somatic Support: Helping the Body Carry What the Heart Is Carrying

Grief is not only something we think about. Or that happens to us.

It’s something we hold.

That’s why body-based practices are often kinder than mindset shifts.
They don’t demand positivity.
They don’t rush acceptance. They see what has happened and recognize it’s impact.

They offer the nervous system a different experience.

Try This When the Wave Hits

The Long Exhale Reset

• Put both feet on the floor

• One hand on your chest, one on your belly

• Inhale through the nose for 4

• Exhale slowly for 6–8

• Repeat 6 times

If you want, pair it with a scent you associate with steadiness.

You’re not denying grief.
You’re telling your body it doesn’t have to brace quite so hard for the next minute.

Widow-Specific Aromatic Support Rhythms

(Simple. Doable. No pressure.)

These are not prescriptions.
They are rhythms many widows naturally resonate with when the body is wired, exhausted, or overwhelmed.

For Sleep When Your Body Won’t Land

• Oils: Lavender + Cedarwood

• Practice: Long exhales in bed

• Breath prayer:
  Inhale: “God, you are with me.”
  Exhale: “You will never leave.”

For Mornings When Dread Hits First

• Oils: Orange or Grapefruit

• Practice: Open curtains, sip warm water, breathe before screens

• Anchor phrase: “I am here. God is here.”

For Decision-Making When Panic Rises

• Oils: Bergamot or Vetiver

• Practice: Box breathing (4-4-4-4) before the call, errand, or appointment

For Grounding When You Feel Unreal or Unsteady

• Oils: Frankincense or Vetiver

• Practice: Press feet into the floor. Name 5 things you can see.

• Ask gently: What is one next right thing?

Writing + breathing: How Widows Process Without Being Overwhelmed

This pairing matters more than most people realize.

Writing helps the brain integrate experience — giving grief somewhere to go instead of spinning endlessly inside the body.

When you add the benefits of essential oils, you give your nervous system a cue of safety + emotional support while you write.

That combination often makes it possible to stay present without getting swallowed.

The Gratefuls Practice

Use a comforting essential oil while you write.

12 small gratefuls (last 24 hours):

• hot water in the shower

• a text that didn’t demand anything

• a moment your shoulders dropped

• a song that felt like company

• a meal you didn’t have to think too hard about

3 large gratefuls:

• God’s presence

• Survival through an unwanted season

• A life that still holds meaning, even with pain

This doesn’t deny grief.

It widens the nervous system’s capacity to hold more than one truth at once.

Why I Personally Believe in This Support

I don’t share this as theory.

I share it because my body reached places words could not express.

Essential oils didn’t fix my grief.
They didn’t remove my loss.

But they gave my nervous system something steady to lean into and hold onto when everything else felt unsteady.

They helped me breathe when panic wanted to take over.
Sleep when my body wouldn’t land.
Stay present when the weight felt unbearable.

And over time, that really mattered and made a tremendous difference.

A Gentle Next Step (If You Feel Yourself Here)

If you’re reading this and thinking:

“I don’t need another thing — but I do need support,”

I understand.

I’ve put together some simple options for widows to find and explore using essential oils for nervous-system support.

You will find:

• which oils I personally use and recommend for widows or those grieving

• ways to use them simply (no overwhelm)

• why these matter to me and how I use them

👉 [Explore essential oils for widowhood / grief support here]

A Closing Word for Widows

If your body still feels on edge, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means you loved.
It means you lost.
It means you are still adjusting to the weight of carrying these two things at once.

And there are gentle, natural supports that can help you carry it — breath, body, scent, writing, prayer — small anchors that remind your nervous system:

You are not alone in this.

Research Referenced

• Seiler et al., The Psychobiology of Bereavement — impacts on stress, immune, and autonomic pathways.

• Caballero-Gallardo et al. (2025), Aromatherapy and Essential Oils as Complementary Wellbeing Support, Plants.

Widowhood grief affects more than emotions — it impacts the nervous system, sleep, stress regulation, cognition, and the body itself. Many widows experience physical symptoms of grief such as anxiety, panic, exhaustion, disrupted sleep, and nervous system overload following the loss of a spouse. Research in bereavement psychology and psychobiology shows that prolonged grief and caregiving stress can influence autonomic nervous system rhythms, immune and inflammatory pathways, and overall wellbeing. Gentle, body-based support — including somatic practices, breathwork, journaling, prayer, and sensory tools like essential oils — may help widows support nervous system regulation and carry grief with steadiness. This post offers grief-informed, natural support options for widows seeking holistic, faith-rooted ways to care for their bodies while navigating loss.

7 Goals That Actually Matter for Widows in 2026

Losing your husband is disorienting.
There’s no easing into it. Grief doesn’t arrive gently—it takes you out. It knocks you flat on your face.

You try to get up, but the energy it takes just to stand leaves your legs shaky. The thought of walking forward—of moving into a life shaped by this kind of loss—feels beyond exhausting. Overwhelming in ways you didn’t know were possible.

Over time, you find a rhythm.
You learn how to get through the days. How to function. How to survive.

And for a while, survival feels like enough.

But somewhere along the way, a quieter question starts to surface—one you might not even say out loud:

Is survival really all there is now?

What if God has more for you than just surviving the death of your husband?
What if He honestly has more than just getting you through the day?

What about a life that still holds meaning?
What about purpose that doesn’t feel forced or fake?
What about moments that actually feel life-giving—the kind that settle your body, soften your thoughts, and remind you there is still goodness to be found, even here?

Because losing a spouse doesn’t just break your heart.

It changes how your brain works.
It changes how your body carries stress, fatigue, and emotion.
And it can quietly shift how you experience God, leaving Him feeling distant, muted, or harder to reach than He used to be.

Widowhood takes so much.
And yet… it also asks something new of us.

Not to move on.
Not to rush healing.

But to find a different rhythm—one that goes beyond survival and slowly opens space for life again.

That’s what these seven goals are about.

Not resolutions.
Not pressure.
Just what actually matters for widows stepping into 2026.

7 goals to help a widow move out of survival mode in 2026

1. create a heart space for your grief

Grief needs to be felt and processed to move.

So many widows carry the load internally—processing in their heads, over and over again. Ruminating. Over time, that kind of carrying becomes exhausting.

Making a heart space is about permission.

Permission to pause.
Permission to feel.
Permission to be honest.

This might look like creating a physical Grief Nook—a cozy chair, a journal, a wrap, a few meaningful objects. And time, time to be intentional. Time set aside where grief is allowed to exist without interruption.

Grief moves differently, more freely, when it knows it has a safe place to land and process.
And so do you. Having a physical space designed specifically to hold you well as you try new ways of processing the loss you carry with you — helps you to feel safe, seen, held and free to release.

2. Help your body feel safe

Grief doesn’t only live in the heart—it lives in the body.

After loss, the nervous system often stays on high alert. Sleep changes. Startle responses increase. Rest feels shallow or unreachable.

You can’t think your way out of that. Ruminating won’t resolve this.

Helping your body feel safe again might look like gentle grounding techniques, breath prayers, sensory awareness, or stillness. Small, repeated practices matter more than big efforts.

Science tells us that consistency helps the nervous system relearn safety. But even without knowing the science, most widows feel it when their body finds ways to exhale.

This isn’t about fixing the loss… because we can’t.
It’s about caring for yourself, and reminding yourself you are still safe and held in the midst of the ache.

3. Finding new ways to Sit with Jesus in your grief

Grief changes faith.

Prayer time shifts.
Scripture lands differently.
God can feel quieter—distant.

Many widows carry this unspoken thought:
”I don’t know how to be with God like I used to. I’m just not feeling it.”

God hasn’t changed but our ability to be present, connect, and feel safe in this world has..
This leads us to an invitation.

Sitting with Jesus in your grief and building authentic connection can look and feel very different after an extreme loss. Sometimes it looks like silence. Sometimes brutal honesty. Sometimes it’s a creative process. Often it is by engaging the imagination differently.

Jesus isn’t waiting for you to be “better.”
He’s already here. Right in the midst. He understands + loves you in the most tender way.

He sees you.

4. Practice gratitude without pretending

Gratitude after loss can feel very complicated.

It’s often mistaken for denial or forced positivity—and that’s not what this is about. At all.

This isn’t about slapping a grateful face on a broken heart or convincing yourself things are okay when they’re not.

And yet… there’s something important here.

Consistent gratitude practices are known to support the brain and nervous system, especially after trauma. They don’t erase pain—but they do help the mind notice moments of safety and goodness alongside grief, not instead of it.

That matters.

Because grief keeps the brain on high alert. And gratitude, practiced gently and honestly, can help soften anxiety and bring the nervous system out of constant bracing.

One simple rhythm many widows find supportive looks like this:

• noticing small, everyday moments that don’t hurt

• returning to a few big anchors that have carried you over time

Noticing doesn’t mean celebrating.
It just means allowing your brain to register something neutral or good without arguing with it.

Over time, this kind of practice helps different parts of the brain work together more smoothly. It creates small shifts—less looping, a little more breath, a little more space.

This isn’t about pretending life is okay.
It’s about helping your brain remember that goodness still exists in the middle of grief.

And sometimes, that’s enough for today.

GOAL 4 - Try listing 12 small gratefuls from the last 24 hours — little things you are thankful fo. And list 3 BIG gratefuls over the span of your life. Make a daily practice of this.

5. Move in ways that help grief move

Grief lives in the body.

Unprocessed emotion often shows up as tension, fatigue, pain, illness or restlessness. Thoughts loop. Emotions and experiences get stuck.

And surprisingly, movement doesn’t have to be an intense workout to be effective.

Walking. Stretching. Dancing. A gentle rhythm. Breathing while moving.

Somatic practices help emotions complete their cycle instead of lodging inside the body. Over time, movement can soften anxiety, bring clarity, and help your system release what it’s been holding.

In 2026, let movement be about listening, relaxing + releasing—not pushing.

6. Connection of the heart

Grief isolates in quiet ways.

Not always because people leave—but because it becomes harder to know how to share what’s real. You don’t want to overwhelm anyone. You don’t want to manage their reactions. Sometimes you don’t even know where to start.

Connection doesn’t have to mean a crowd.

It might be one trusted friend.
It might be a small grief group.
It might be intentional conversation where honesty is welcome and fixing or resolving is not the goal.

Grief moves differently when it’s witnessed. When it is held with care and kindness.

This is the heart behind The Widow’s Table Challenge—a six-week invitation into intentional, grief-informed conversation for widows and the friends who want to love them well.

No platitudes.
No pressure.
Just space to speak and be heard.

If you want more information on this sign up for the newsletter below. It will be coming out in January.

7. Letting your love go somewhere again

One of the quieter, less recognized, losses in widowhood is this:
your love suddenly has nowhere to go.

Your encouragement.
Your care.
Your tenderness.

Many widows unconsciously tuck this away, believing it’s safer not to offer too much of themselves. Or believing they don’t have the energy or will to offer it.

But we were created to love others. Love that has nowhere to go doesn’t disappear—it turns inward and grows heavy.

Letting your love go somewhere again doesn’t mean getting into a romantic relationship, or over-giving, or rescuing. It simply means allowing the gift of you, or something you have to offer, to be shared in a way that feels safe and life-giving.

Love is still a part of who you are. What you still carry and still have to offer.
And someone, somewhere, in this broken world needs what God has given you to offer.

Something thoughtful, something small, or big. A kind word, a thoughtful card, a meal…

2026 Goal - make a weekly pattern of giving some love and encouragement from your heart to another.

A word about time - Schedule it, write it down.

Grief has a way of distorting time.

Days blur.
Weeks slip by.
Months pass and you wonder where they went. And change can be hard.

This is where writing things down can be quietly powerful—not to track progress, but to help your brain light up. What fires together, wires together.

Journaling your grief experiences, recording your daily gratefuls, planning your weekly gives, or simply recording small rhythms can help anchor meaning in a season that often feels scattered.

This mattered.
I mattered.
This moment counted.

A gentle invitation

If this resonated, recognize that you’re not behind.
You noticed, you’re paying attention, and you are headed into new areas.

Through my newsletter, I share:

• Grief Nook setup ideas

• Somatic practices for nervous system care

• Journal rhythms that don’t add pressure

• Science-informed grief support

• Details about The Widow’s Table Challenge

No fixing.
No rushing.
Just thoughtful + kind care for yourself in the wake of deep loss.

You are so welcome here. Just as you are.
And you’re welcome at the table.

Widows, do you need help moving beyond survival mode? Here are 7 steps you can make a priority in 2026.

Widowhood impacts the brain, body, faith, and relationships in profound ways that often go unseen. This grief-informed reflection offers widows practical and compassionate guidance for life after the loss of a husband, including nervous system support, somatic grief practices, spiritual connection with Jesus, honest relationships, and community care. Written for widows seeking meaning beyond survival, this article explores holistic grief support, faith after loss, and relational healing through intentional practices and safe connection. Additional resources, including grief journaling, Grief Nook setup, somatic tools, and the Widow’s Table Challenge, are available through ongoing support shared by the author.

Essential Oils & Practices for Grief Support for Widows | Supporting the body, brain, breath, and heart.

Grief isn’t just emotional…

For widows, it lives in the nervous system, the gut, the immune response, the muscles, memory, and the breath.

Sleep is disrupted.
Pain increases.
Appetite changes.
The body stays on alert.
The mind feels foggy or overwhelmed.

This is not happening because you are weak.
It is grief doing what grief does.

Because grief lives in the body, it helps to have practices that support the body—with honesty. care, patience, and love.

Essential oils work by engaging these systems through scent, skin, and internal pathways, helping the body settle enough to process what the heart is carrying. Paired with embodied practices—breath prayer, writing, stillness, gratitude—they become loving companions in widowhood.

Not to avoid or repress grief.
But to help you stay present while you carry it.

How Oils + Practices Support Grief

Scent communicates directly with the limbic system—the part of the brain connected to emotion, memory, and safety. Writing engages both sides of the brain, allowing emotion and meaning to work together. Breath anchors the nervous system in the present moment.

Together, these practices:

• support nervous system regulation

• soften chronic stress responses

• help integrate memory and emotion

• create space for prayerful presence

They don’t erase sorrow.
They hold space for it.

1. Sleep

Settling the nervous system into rest

What it supports

• Parasympathetic (rest-and-restore) activation

• Reduced nighttime stimulation + alertness

• Deeper, more consistent sleep rhythms

Why it works
Certain plant compounds influence GABA activity, limbic calm, and cortisol rhythms—all essential for sleep.

Use

Aromatic
Lavender • Roman Chamomile • Cedarwood (diffuse before bed)

Topical
Lavender + carrier oil on feet, chest, or back of neck

Internal
Lavender in warm tea or honey before sleep

Practice
Breath prayer in bed:
Inhale: “I am safe.”
Exhale: “I can rest.”

2. Waking Up — Uplifting & Hopeful

Gently re-engaging

What it supports

• Dopamine and serotonin signaling

• Mental clarity and motivation

• Emotional release without overstimulation

Why it works
Citrus and herbal oils stimulate alertness centers and mood pathways while supporting oxygen flow to the brain.

Use

Aromatic
Orange • Grapefruit • Rosemary

Topical
Orange + rosemary on wrists or back of neck

Internal
Lemon or orange in warm water on waking

Practice

• Open curtains

• Speak one hopeful truth aloud while inhaling

3. Calming While Taking Action

Steady focus without panic

What it supports

• Balanced nervous system tone

• Reduced cortisol during decision-making

• Calm energy for tasks that must be done

Why it works
These oils help regulate the stress response while maintaining mental clarity.

Use

Aromatic
Bergamot • Lavender • Vetiver

Topical
Roller on wrists before meetings, errands, or calls

Internal
Bergamot in tea before stressful tasks

Practice
Box breathing: inhale 4 / hold 4 / exhale 4 / hold 4

4. Grounding When You Feel Unstable

Re-anchoring when emotions feel shaky

What it supports

• Sensory orientation

• Vagal tone

• Emotional presence and embodiment

Why it works
Resinous and earthy oils connect sensory input to emotional regulation and physical awareness.

Use

Aromatic
Frankincense • Vetiver • Patchouli

Topical
Diluted oil on feet or along spine

Internal
Frankincense in capsule or drop under tongue

Practice

• Feet flat on the floor

• Name what you feel in your body while breathing

5. Anti-Inflammatory Support

Easing the physical toll of prolonged stress

What it supports

• Immune balance

• Reduced inflammatory signaling

• Tissue repair and recovery

Why it works
Many plant compounds influence inflammatory pathways and oxidative stress.

Use

Topical
Helichrysum • Ginger • Frankincense in carrier oil

Internal
Turmeric or frankincense blends with meals

Practice

• Gentle warmth (compress or blanket)

• Stillness afterward.

6. Pain Relief

Releasing tension and guarding

What it supports

• Circulation

• Muscle relaxation

• Pain perception modulation

Why it works
Cooling and calming oils influence nerve signaling and muscle response.

Use

Topical
Peppermint • Lavender • Eucalyptus (massage slowly)

Internal
Ginger or turmeric

Practice

• Long exhale breathing during massage

7. Digestion & Appetite

Restoring the gut–brain conversation

What it supports

• Digestive signaling

• Appetite awareness

• Reduced nausea and tightness

Why it works
The gut and nervous system are deeply connected; these oils support vagal tone and digestive comfort.

Use

Aromatic
Peppermint • Ginger • Lemon

Topical
Clockwise abdominal massage (diluted)

Internal
Peppermint or ginger tea
Lemon in water before meals

Practice

• Hand on belly

• Slow breaths before eating

8. Forgiveness & Emotional Softening

Letting go without bypassing

What it supports

• Emotional regulation

• Heart-centered processing

• Reduced emotional reactivity

Why it works
Floral oils engage emotional memory and parasympathetic response, supporting tenderness rather than defense.

Use

Aromatic
Rose • Bergamot • Ylang-ylang

Topical
Over the heart during reflection

Practice

• Write what hurts

• Then write what you’re releasing

9. Breath Prayers

Deepening connection through breath

What it supports

• Vagus nerve activation

• Emotional safety

• Prayerful presence

Why it works
Breath and scent together slow heart rate and anchor attention.

Use

Aromatic
Frankincense or lavender

Topical
Chest or palms before prayer

Practice

• Inhale 4 / Exhale 6–8

• Pair with sacred phrases

10. Journaling & Gratitude

Opening the mind and heart

What it supports

• Emotional integration

• Memory processing

• Creative expression

Why it works
Scent supports emotional safety while writing integrates brain hemispheres—bringing emotion and meaning back into conversation.

Use

Aromatic
Lavender • Rose • Bergamot

Topical
Roller on wrists while writing

Internal
Warm tea with citrus oil

Practice

• Write freely

• No fixing, no filtering

Gratefuls Practice

• Write 12 small gratefuls from the last 24 hours

• Write 3 large gratefuls across your lifetime

This practice helps the nervous system notice safety again and preserves what grief fog often tries to erase.

11. Emotional Regulation

When feelings come in waves

Supports

• Hormonal balance

• Nervous system steadiness

Blend
Clary Sage • Bergamot • Lavender

Practice

• Hand on chest

• Gentle rocking or swaying

12. Creative Clarity & Discernment

When grief fog dulls insight

Supports

• Focus

• Memory

• Inspired thinking

Blend
Basil • Rosemary • Lemon

Practice

• Use during creative journaling or prayerful listening

The Big Picture

Essential oils support grief by helping the body feel safe enough to:

• rest

• breathe

• digest

• soften

• feel

• and stay present

They don’t replace the work of grief.
They hold the body steady while the heart does it.

If you are a widow reading this, know this:
You are allowed to be supported.
Your body matters in your grief.
And gentle care is not a luxury—it is part of how you stay healthy and keep moving step by step.

natural ways to come alongside your grief and help it to become integrated within your body, mind and life as you move forward as a widow.

This article explores essential oils and embodied practices for grief support in widowhood, focusing on how grief affects the nervous system, body, brain, breath, digestion, sleep, pain, and emotional regulation. It offers holistic grief support for widows through essential oils used aromatically, topically, and internally, alongside practices such as breath prayer, journaling, gratitude, and nervous system regulation. This resource is designed for widows seeking gentle, faith-informed, body-based grief care that honors loss while supporting presence, integration, and daily life after death.

Widow, Grief & Brain Fog: How Deep Rest Activates Your Brain’s Cleaning Crew

When Rest Feels impossible

There’s a kind of exhaustion that grief brings.

The kind that doesn’t seem to lift with a nap or the evenings of attempted sleep.

It sits behind your eyes, in your chest, in the middle of your thoughts - heavy, hazy, unrelenting.

If you’ve lost your person, you know this kind of tired. It’s not just sadness. It’s bone-deep survival.

Even when your body is still, your brain is working overtime - trying to make sense of loss, trying to keep you safe.

And when that happens, your brain’s healing rhythm—the glymphatic system—has a hard time doing its job.

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The Brain’s Cleaning Crew: What the Glymphatic System Does

While you get good quality sleep, your brain runs a built-in detox system called the glymphatic system.

Think of it as your brain’s night-shift janitor.

During deep, slow-wave sleep, your brain floods with cerebrospinal fluid, which washes away toxins, stress chemicals, and waste proteins from the day.

This process clears what you’ve felt, processed, and held—all the invisible buildup of living, thinking, and surviving.

When this system flows well, you wake clearer, lighter, steadier.

But when sleep is disrupted—as it so often is in grief—the glymphatic “cleaning crew” can’t clock in. The result is what many widows describe as grief fog: forgetfulness, emotional swings, irritability, and a feeling that your brain just can’t keep up.

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Why Grief Interrupts Deep Sleep

Grief activates your stress response system—the part of your brain wired to protect you from danger.

Your body releases cortisol, your heart rate rises, and your brain stays on alert, even when you want rest.

It’s common to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion and wake again in the dark hours with your mind racing.

The very rest you need most becomes the hardest to find.

Without those deep, slow-wave cycles, your glymphatic system can’t finish its nightly cleanup—and your brain starts carrying yesterday’s emotional and physical waste into today.

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Signs Your Brain’s Cleaning System Is Overloaded

• Foggy or sluggish thinking

• Forgetting what you were about to do

• Emotional swings that come out of nowhere

• Physical heaviness or pressure behind your eyes

• Difficulty concentrating or praying

• Feeling “off” but not sure why

Of course, losing your spouse brings many of these issues.

Your brain is burdened with double-duty, empty spaces, new tasks, etc. — and this all brings a state of overwhelm and spinning thoughts. But also, understanding that there is a physical detox process your sleep can offer you each night to help with these things can bring a real sense of hope.

Let’s talk about some tangible ways to help find deeper sleep in the midst of your grief…

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How to Support Deep Rest (and Help Your Brain HeaL

You can’t force sleep—but you can help to create the space where rest becomes possible again.

1. Create calm before bed.

Turn off screens an hour before sleep. Blue light signals your brain that it’s still daytime and suppresses melatonin. Choose quiet light, soft music, or a gentle prayer rhythm instead.

2. Hydrate often.

Your glymphatic system depends on fluid to flow. Keep a glass of water nearby throughout the day and sip before bed.

3. Try the “widow’s brain dump.”

Write down what’s looping in your mind—memories, to-dos, what-ifs, fears. You’re telling your brain: You don’t have to hold it all tonight.

4. Ease physical tension.

Apply a warm compress or massage your shoulders, neck, or jaw with a drop of lavender or copaiba blended in a carrier oil. These help calm the nervous system and release stored tension.

5. Avoid overstimulation.

Skip caffeine after 2 p.m. and heavy meals or alcohol within two hours of sleep. Both interrupt the deep-sleep cycles where brain cleansing happens.

6. Position for flow.

If comfortable, sleep on your side (especially the left)—studies show this helps cerebrospinal fluid drain more efficiently through the brain’s channels.

These practices can really help to ground your body and open it up to better sleep.

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Natural Tools That Help the Body Remember Rest

Essential oils are a natural option that can help create the calm conditions your body and mind depend on: deep breathing, slower heart rate, and relaxed muscles.

To Release Tension

• Lavender – eases muscle tightness and lowers stress hormones.

• Copaiba – supports calm through the body’s endocannabinoid system.

• Frankincense – deepens breathing and grounds emotional overwhelm.

To Promote Deep Rest

• Cedarwood – encourages melatonin release and stability.

• Roman Chamomile – quiets restless thoughts.

• Vetiver – deeply grounding; helps your body drop into restorative sleep.

How to use:

Diffuse 3–5 drops of lavender, cedarwood, or chamomile 30 minutes before bed, or add a few drops to an evening bath with Epsom salt.

For topical use, dilute 2 drops of any combination in a teaspoon of carrier oil and apply to neck, shoulders, or over the heart.

For my very favorite set and diffuser, you can grab it here: Essential oil kit + diffuser

If you would like to learn more about how essential oils work with emotions, click here

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Things to Avoid (and Why They Matter)

• Caffeine after 2 p.m. — Blocks adenosine, delaying sleep onset for up to 10 hours.

• Blue-light screens — Suppress melatonin and keep your brain alert.

• Alcohol close to bed — Fragments sleep and prevents deep, restorative cycles.

• Late-night sugar or heavy meals — Keep your body metabolically active when it needs to be still.

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Circle of Support TIPS: Helping a Widow FIND Rest

If you love someone who’s grieving, you can’t fix her sleepless nights—but you can help to make rest more possible.

• Lighten her load. Do one small thing she doesn’t have energy for—laundry, groceries, or a meal.

• Create a “rest basket.” Add herbal tea, a journal, magnesium lotion, a soft blanket, and a note: “Please care for your heart, mind and body by allowing yourself time to rest.”

• Check in with curiosity, not pressure. Ask, “What’s been spinning in your thoughts?” or “What’s weighing heavier tonight?” Allowing space for your friend to release some of the mental tension she is experiencing.

• Be still with her. Quiet companionship lowers stress hormones and helps her body feel safe enough to rest.

• Pray peace. Short, simple prayers like “God, hold her mind steady while You keep watch” can calm both body and spirit.

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A Gentle Reminder for the Weary

If your mind feels overhwelmed and your emotions keep spinning, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means your brain has been working without rest, doing its best to carry what feels un-carryable.

Your body is wise.

Your brain knows how to restore you when given space and kindness.

Even here, my body is still working to protect me.

Even here, my brain remembers how to restore me.

Even here, I am being held.