When Rest Feels impossible
There’s a kind of exhaustion that grief brings.
The kind that doesn’t seem to lift with a nap or the evenings of attempted sleep.
It sits behind your eyes, in your chest, in the middle of your thoughts - heavy, hazy, unrelenting.
If you’ve lost your person, you know this kind of tired. It’s not just sadness. It’s bone-deep survival.
Even when your body is still, your brain is working overtime - trying to make sense of loss, trying to keep you safe.
And when that happens, your brain’s healing rhythm—the glymphatic system—has a hard time doing its job.
⸻
The Brain’s Cleaning Crew: What the Glymphatic System Does
While you get good quality sleep, your brain runs a built-in detox system called the glymphatic system.
Think of it as your brain’s night-shift janitor.
During deep, slow-wave sleep, your brain floods with cerebrospinal fluid, which washes away toxins, stress chemicals, and waste proteins from the day.
This process clears what you’ve felt, processed, and held—all the invisible buildup of living, thinking, and surviving.
When this system flows well, you wake clearer, lighter, steadier.
But when sleep is disrupted—as it so often is in grief—the glymphatic “cleaning crew” can’t clock in. The result is what many widows describe as grief fog: forgetfulness, emotional swings, irritability, and a feeling that your brain just can’t keep up.
⸻
Why Grief Interrupts Deep Sleep
Grief activates your stress response system—the part of your brain wired to protect you from danger.
Your body releases cortisol, your heart rate rises, and your brain stays on alert, even when you want rest.
It’s common to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion and wake again in the dark hours with your mind racing.
The very rest you need most becomes the hardest to find.
Without those deep, slow-wave cycles, your glymphatic system can’t finish its nightly cleanup—and your brain starts carrying yesterday’s emotional and physical waste into today.
⸻
Signs Your Brain’s Cleaning System Is Overloaded
• Foggy or sluggish thinking
• Forgetting what you were about to do
• Emotional swings that come out of nowhere
• Physical heaviness or pressure behind your eyes
• Difficulty concentrating or praying
• Feeling “off” but not sure why
Of course, losing your spouse brings many of these issues.
Your brain is burdened with double-duty, empty spaces, new tasks, etc. — and this all brings a state of overwhelm and spinning thoughts. But also, understanding that there is a physical detox process your sleep can offer you each night to help with these things can bring a real sense of hope.
Let’s talk about some tangible ways to help find deeper sleep in the midst of your grief…
⸻
How to Support Deep Rest (and Help Your Brain HeaL
You can’t force sleep—but you can help to create the space where rest becomes possible again.
1. Create calm before bed.
Turn off screens an hour before sleep. Blue light signals your brain that it’s still daytime and suppresses melatonin. Choose quiet light, soft music, or a gentle prayer rhythm instead.
2. Hydrate often.
Your glymphatic system depends on fluid to flow. Keep a glass of water nearby throughout the day and sip before bed.
3. Try the “widow’s brain dump.”
Write down what’s looping in your mind—memories, to-dos, what-ifs, fears. You’re telling your brain: You don’t have to hold it all tonight.
4. Ease physical tension.
Apply a warm compress or massage your shoulders, neck, or jaw with a drop of lavender or copaiba blended in a carrier oil. These help calm the nervous system and release stored tension.
5. Avoid overstimulation.
Skip caffeine after 2 p.m. and heavy meals or alcohol within two hours of sleep. Both interrupt the deep-sleep cycles where brain cleansing happens.
6. Position for flow.
If comfortable, sleep on your side (especially the left)—studies show this helps cerebrospinal fluid drain more efficiently through the brain’s channels.
These practices can really help to ground your body and open it up to better sleep.
⸻
Natural Tools That Help the Body Remember Rest
Essential oils are a natural option that can help create the calm conditions your body and mind depend on: deep breathing, slower heart rate, and relaxed muscles.
To Release Tension
• Lavender – eases muscle tightness and lowers stress hormones.
• Copaiba – supports calm through the body’s endocannabinoid system.
• Frankincense – deepens breathing and grounds emotional overwhelm.
To Promote Deep Rest
Cedarwood – encourages melatonin release and stability.
Roman Chamomile – quiets restless thoughts.
Vetiver – deeply grounding; helps your body drop into restorative sleep.
How to use:
Diffuse 3–5 drops of lavender, cedarwood, or chamomile 30 minutes before bed, or add a few drops to an evening bath with Epsom salt.
For topical use, dilute 2 drops of any combination in a teaspoon of carrier oil and apply to neck, shoulders, or over the heart.
For my very favorite set and diffuser, you can grab it here: Essential oil kit + diffuser
If you would like to learn more about how essential oils work with emotions, click here
⸻
Things to Avoid (and Why They Matter)
Caffeine after 2 p.m. — Blocks adenosine, delaying sleep onset for up to 10 hours.
Blue-light screens — Suppress melatonin and keep your brain alert.
Alcohol close to bed — Fragments sleep and prevents deep, restorative cycles.
Late-night sugar or heavy meals — Keep your body metabolically active when it needs to be still.
⸻
Circle of Support TIPS: Helping a Widow FIND Rest
If you love someone who’s grieving, you can’t fix her sleepless nights—but you can help to make rest more possible.
Lighten her load. Do one small thing she doesn’t have energy for—laundry, groceries, or a meal.
Create a “rest basket.” Add herbal tea, a journal, magnesium lotion, a soft blanket, and a note: “Please care for your heart, mind and body by allowing yourself time to rest.”
Check in with curiosity, not pressure. Ask, “What’s been spinning in your thoughts?” or “What’s weighing heavier tonight?” Allowing space for your friend to release some of the mental tension she is experiencing.
Be still with her. Quiet companionship lowers stress hormones and helps her body feel safe enough to rest.
Pray peace. Short, simple prayers like “God, hold her mind steady while You keep watch” can calm both body and spirit.
⸻
A Gentle Reminder for the Weary
If your mind feels overhwelmed and your emotions keep spinning, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means your brain has been working without rest, doing its best to carry what feels un-carryable.
Your body is wise.
Your brain knows how to restore you when given space and kindness.
Even here, my body is still working to protect me.
Even here, my brain remembers how to restore me.
Even here, I am being held.
